badi
(1984, zafer par)

of the six movies directly based on e.t., the approachable alien, steven spielberg's film "e.t. the extra terrestrial" is by far the least interesting. the film's huge success (earning 793 million worldwide, to date) may have secured its place in film history and the top 10 lists of every boring person i've ever known, but its mass appeal can be easily explained; it's just a sympathetic story about a lonely boy (elliot) with a broken family, desperate for companionship from...almost anything, really. the alien could've easily been replaced by a dog, or a cat, or even a dragon, since the story is mostly about the boy's relationship to the alien, and not the alien itself. aside from two or three standout scenes (e.t. gets drunk, gets decked out in little girls' clothes) it doesn't really attempt to explore any original or unusual territory. instead it keeps the all-too-familiar and well-established plot element introduced by tv shows like mork & mindy to a minimum (where a wacky alien has trouble adjusting to human social customs), to appeal to a wider audience. and as difficult as it is to think of anything duller than mork & mindy, spielberg does a fantastic job of ruining any chance of making a decent sci-fi film. he also has a lot of money and a legion of fans from divorced families to help him feel better about it, though. obviously dissatisfied with spielberg's vision, several movies sprung up to capitalize on e.t.'s success: "badi", "homoti", "e.t. de vagina", "keep up the lust, e.t." and "el e.t.e. y el oto" that didn't have to worry about pesky things like box office numbers or credibility, and were truly free to conceptualize e.t. any way they wished (strangely enough, some of their wishes involved e.t. fucking a lot of humans.)
manuel estaba's "el e.t.e y el oto", written by spanish comedians los hermanos calatrava, is a pretty innocent offering: a silly, inept spoof of e.t. that features francisco "feo" calatrava (ugly, indeed), unmasked, jumping around in what looks like a diving suit, playing the alien. the turkish entries that followed, 1983's "badi" and 1987's "homoti" (or "homodi"), aren't exactly spoofs, but very loose interpretations of the american film: "badi" attempts to recreate a few specific scenes with a low budget, and essentially follows the original film's structure as closely as it can for turkish audiences, while "homoti" uses e.t.'s crash landing as a starting point to go off on its own unintelligible tangent. realizing e.t.'s likeness alone was enough of a draw, 1986's "keep up the lust, e.t.", senselessly places the alien in the middle of a jungle porn film. e.t. only makes a few brief appearances amidst all the frolicking and constant orgies but it's still worth mentioning for its portrayal of e.t. alone, who's now overgrown into more of a giant jungle creature, equipped with a pretty disgusting red-tipped dog cock. ugh. i won't go there. improving on this formula, 1995's "e.t. de vagina" truly lives up to its name in the worst fucking way imaginable, by featuring a woman covered in some kind of brownish/green rubber latex (save for her most sensitive area) in a very "hands on" role as the curious alien who lands on earth to learn all about sex. while all of these movies could be considered inept compared to spielberg's version, they manage to be validly entertaining in their own right, without any real budget to speak of or even a proper grasp of linear film-making. even if e.t. had never been made, these films could stand on their own (of course, i'm running under the assumption that there's an audience for everything).

my personal favorite, "badi", is frequently mentioned in the same breath as other blatant foreign rip-offs like "turkish star wars", "turkish batman" and "turkish exorcist" that have overshadowed more validly artistic efforts in contemporary turkish cinema, and achieved cult status with serious collectors and casual b-film fans alike. "badi" is pretty well-known so it's easy to find if you know where to look. unfortunately, the sole appeal of turkish remakes, for most people, is less about the way the films are re-imagined than the fact that they're re-imagined at all. the characters themselves remain the draw; but since the plots likely veer towards the bizarre, people either tune it out or turn it off, and while they're not actually completely disregarded, they aren't particularly well-respected either. turkish remakes are more of a joke, more likely to be something to show your friends for laughs over a pizza and some beers. it might be hard to understand why anyone would want to watch a confusing, untranslated, second-rate version of an already popular film at all, or at least without a beer in hand (although it certainly enhances most viewing experiences), or why anyone would even think to create such a film and expect to profit from it, but in defense of classic foreign schlock i have to say, money couldn't have been a motivating factor. the simple reason they exist is that, while american films may have undeniable reach, they just don't translate well in foreign markets for obvious reasons. an alien that ends up in a so-cal suburb is hardly easy for a turkish audience to relate to, and while they could stand to watch the film with subtitles, who's to say it could ever be as impactful?
badi begins with the hasty introduction of several characters in the span of ten minutes: a pretty angry fair-haired boy (bülent) busy setting off explosives in the name of science up in his parent's attic, much to the dismay of his many siblings (and later, his crazy, abusive, ron jeremy-esque father.) then, after an establishing shot in a slum nearby, we meet another boy (ali) who's woken up for school by his very traditionally turkish-looking mother. after conversing with and feeding his birds for a bit, little mowgli ends up in front of his school just in time to make the acquaintance of a cute dog who's not allowed beyond the school gates once the bell rings. just dumping characters on us at this point, a beautiful woman appears and seeks out the assistance of an electronics expert, busy soldering away in his shop, who seems immediately smitten with her. she gives him some paper to examine for the creation of a device that's certainly going to be used for the purpose of contacting alien life forms. he agrees to help (because attractive women can obviously get men to do all kinds of weird things) and leaves the store with her, stopping in front of the school where he feels the need to point out most of the aforementioned characters (bülent, his two sisters and kid brother, ali and his stray dog). the woman seems to take an immediate liking to ali (score!) because it seems as if he's a poor kid who could use some attention. while bülent's whole family is enjoying cotton candy outside, ali's left out, playing with his new dog. i can't help but notice the cultural differences immediately with the not-so-subtle focus on class that definitely would have been out of place in spielberg's original; not to mention the focus on the two friends, their siblings, and the presence of the adults rather than just one boy and his somewhat distant family. everyone talks for a bit until the attractive woman drives home to meet up with another man (her husband, maybe?) waiting for her on the front porch.

the next day it seems like ali's luck takes an unfortunate turn for the worse when his stray dog is shot by a mustachioed policeman for no good reason (men with mustaches truly are inherently evil). everyone crowds around to see the dead dog and ali's mother is there to comfort him as he cries and watches the dog get thrown onto the back of a truck to be taken away. later on, bülent, the electrician, and the woman are packing up the device to deliver to an elderly scientist who tinkers with it in the hopes of getting in contact with something. soon after, badi's ship finally lands out in a dark clearing, and he waddles out clumsily. letting his creepy costumed bell-bottoms drag on the floor as he walks (and at four feet, bell-bottoms make for a pretty strange silhouette). of all the attempts to physically recreate the likeness of e.t., badi's is definitely the worst...but most imaginative! not sure how much of that is to blame on the low budget, but badi is basically a plump midget in a clay-colored costume. rather than imitating the large, expressive eyes of e.t., he sports some pretty small, low-slung peepers that i'm sure would creep the shit out of anyone. its freakishly long arms, providing a lot of the incidental physical comedy, look a lot like the arms of those wacky waving inflatable tube men...yeah. you get the point. he's ugly.
at bülent's house, the entire family narrowly avoids a severe beating as they try to protect bülent from his furious father (i can only guess as to why he's angry), busy chasing him around the house with a pair of tongs or something. luckily for them, the villagers have already noticed the landing of the spaceship, and everyone is inclined to go out to see what all the commotion is. armed with pitchforks and flashlights, they run into the woods with the intent to kill the creature, but never find it. ali, undoubtedly still feeling a little bitter about his dog, pities the creature and splits off to go find him on his own to some success. in an awkward reprise of a scene in e.t., he and the creature scare each other and ali runs back home.
the next six or seven minutes are all basically a montage of more scenes ripped off from e.t.: ali stays home from school, and badi shows up at his house where they unsurprisingly become fast friends. badi practically combusts with excitement, (blowing smoke out of his dick) and after some heart-warming bonding scenes (ali feeds badi candy and shows him a family photo album, badi levitates some apples, heals ali's foot) badi inconveniently begins raiding the refrigerator just as ali's mom gets home and is more or less forced to hide in plain sight, but of course, badi can't stay hidden forever. he's eventually introduced to bülent and his family, and they grow to love badi too. unable to stay cooped up all day, he takes a trip to the children's school where he practically starts a riot, tactlessly revealing himself to anyone in his path! after being discovered by both bülent's mean old dad and ali's mom (that pretty much gives her a heart attack), they all decide to pitch in to help badi get home.
bülent builds some kind of ridiculous aluminum foil device and sneaks off with badi, ali, and his siblings, unchaperoned and accompanied by seemingly hundreds of school children, to test out his gadget at the local amusement park. badi tries to impress them by using his special abilities to power the entire park (a scene far more touching than anything in e.t., in my personal opinion). badi and ali ride on a ferris wheel and give speeches to their army of friends until the cops show and break things up. their worried parents intervene and seek the help of the electrician, the scientist and the woman to help them search for their children. they find ali the next morning, weary and sick, but quickly realize badi's now gone missing. when badi is discovered in the hood of a car with a tip from ali's bird (oh who fucking knows at this point), he's near death. the spectacular conclusion to the film involves police dressed in riot gear surrounding ali's home; determined to snuff out badi for good, while the children armed with toy guns, marbles and halloween masks stage a stand-off and distract the cops while badi, ali, bülent and co. make their escape in a wooden cart and float off into the sunset with whatever security the few balloons attached to the cart affords them.
badi finally gets back to his ship later that night and they all cry and give badi some parting gifts (ali offers up his bird, bülent's little brother gives him a toy). it's all very genuine, and sweet, and achieves something that dead-eyed steven spielberg couldn't pay his child actors to improvise; impressive as it is awful, i doubt anyone in badi ever got paid for their performances.

e.t. de vagina

[extra terrestrian: die dusserirdische]
(1995, lidko & siggi entinger)

i came across "e.t. de vagina" several years ago but was only recently able to find a subtitled copy of it from cinemageddon, not that there's much that needed clarifying, but you have to appreciate all of the hours someone would put into translating major trash. ah, i love the internet. "e.t. de vagina" isn't as well known as "badi", but has achieved a cult status all its own for being one of the worst porns of all time. mostly because they actually do a great job of creating an alien that looks like e.t. a little too much like e.t., for my taste, really. it's hard to remember there's actually a woman underneath all of that latex...and you know, it could be a personal thing, but watching a woman get fucked by an alien/monster with a big prosthetic dick isn't quite as disturbing, (or as intimate) as watching a woman eating out an alien with a real woman's vag, but i digress. i'll just say this isn't a movie you can scrub off in the shower. it's definitely a memorable curiosity, but about as far from erotic as you can get. it does, however, manage to assert the very romantic idea that there's someone out there for everyone. and if anyone out there has gotten off to this: don't give up hope on finding that special someone, or creature, someday. it'll happen.

the "vagina" opens with e.t.'s fittingly derivative crash-landing to earth, which is about where the similarities between this and the original e.t. end, plot-wise (unless the whole touching bit counts). e.t. stumbles from its ship towards a secluded mansion, muttering to itself and trying to exercise some caution so as not to scare the subjects of its research. seeming to have landed at some point in the early 1900's, e.t. is there to gain some knowledge of human interaction, and in the first scene it quietly observes an intimate encounter between a lonely man and a pretty easy woman he invited over for tea. "to be solitary is very sad. i would very like to have somebody with whom i could divide my moments of solitude. a person with whom i could always settle. somebody as pretty as you...sexy...someone who could carry through all my fancies and fantasies. i find that you can do this for me." very smooth, i think, and with that, don juan scores himself a blow job. e.t., trying to be covert, seems to be standing right in the doorway, actually, fingering "herself" and wishing she could gain a little more experience. the couple fucks and the scene ends innocently enough (with a cumshot).
meanwhile, or sometime later that night, in another room in the same mansion, a girl begins to undress and feel herself up conveniently for our view until e.t. startles her. she seems genuinely frightened as e.t. approaches her, but as it pokes at her nipple she calms down. e.t. confesses its wish to be human and have sex with her, and happy to have a new friend to play with (these people must be very isolated) she takes the alien to bed with her where, i hesitate to say, they french kiss and engage in some "lesbian" acts while e.t. mewls with pleasure, most disgusting scene ever, hands down, i don't care what people fucking think of pink flamingos. two men (including the guy from the previous scene) will then wander in and interrupt everything, thought they hardly seem phased by e.t.'s presence, but do question the woman and e.t. as to what it's doing there (e.t. also speaks for herself, in this). after learning its purpose, they offer themselves up and whatever knowledge they have of sex for the sake of helping earthlings appear "amiable". hilarious!
truly redefining jungle fever, e.t. gets down in every way imaginable with several people in the house, and we get to see all kinds of sex ruined forever (except sex between men, i guess that'll still be taboo to her friends back home). lots of threesomes and group sex involved, and although there are a few scenes just involving consenting adults in old-fashioned getups, it's mostly just any excuse to see all the different ways e.t. can sully her costume.
unfortunately, e.t. does need to return home, and after some tearful goodbyes (losing a good fuck buddy is a sad thing, indeed) she shuffles off with the promise to take back all of the wonderful things she learned on our great planet. you might be tempted to abstain from sex forever after watching this, but there are other things in life to enjoy, like...pizza and beer.



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